A Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'Angus the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'Angus the Pier-Builder?' No..."

Gulps down the whiskey, shouts for another. "Ah sired six great sons, raised them with me oon sweat and bluid. But do they call me 'Angus the Son-Bearer'? No..."

"But ye shag only ONE sheep ..."

It was the first day back at school in Birmingham, England.
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils.
"Mustafa al Eih Zeri?" - "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" - "Here."
"Fatima Bin Pardin? " - "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" - "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" - "Here."
"Ali Son al En?" - Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al En?"- Continued silence, as everyone
looked around the room .
The teacher repeated the call, "Ali Son al En?"
Then a girl stood up and said,
"Sorry, teacher, I think that's me.
It's pronounced Allison Allen."

An Irishman walks into a bar. Bartender notices he has a steering wheel stuck inside his pants and goes:

Hey there mister. What is the steering wheel doing in your pants?

The Irishman responds:
It's driving me nuts